so I got guilt tripped into giving her a new years kiss, and she proceeded to try and eat my face while mounting me. when you give a mouse a cookie...
its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video
My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.
And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.
He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.
Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada
Well there's nothing more unattractive them a naked, soft man crying
Oh good your over him
We knew it was a good time to leave when you spilt the salsa on the ground and were trying to put it back in the jar with your hands
Cry into your wine glass and then drink the tears, it's like the fountain of youth
is one penis in the hand worth one better nicer penis in the manscaped bush?
Got cut off last night cuz this chick had her hands down my shorts and was blatantly playing with my dick while I was trying to order. apparently that's "frowned upon"
She invited me to Bikini Yoga with her friends. Sounds promising.
At least you didn't wake up next to your professor who then proceeded to cancel class via phone while still inside of me.
He referred to his penis as "The Purple Headed Yogurt Slinger." I'm both disgusted and turned on
We need to know if his feet match his cock.
Randomize
