Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.
Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock
Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?
Just had a handjob preempted by a huge bolt of static electricity leaping from her fingertip to my sack. I hate this time of year.
Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.
My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered
I'm imagining a seal in an ugly shirt hahahahaha Percocet
He told me he felt like he was just pistol-whipped by Testicle Man.
Times have changed. Freshman year I could throw my shirt in a bonfire and still get laid. Now when I puke in my girlfriend's bed on her birthday I'm "an asshole"
I just made my dating life into my own game show. would you like to meet the contestants? (photos not included)
dude it was our first time and her hair caught on fire from the candles on the nightstand
There is no way that actually happened!
the smell of burnt hair covered up the sweaty sex smell.
I flashed my boobs, shit my pants, and kissed the wrong twin. I'm on a roll you don't want in on.
He ate me out in the passenger seat of his Range Rover in a Tim Hortons parking lot. I could hear “oh canada” on the radio from a nearby school as I came. Most patriotic orgasm ever!
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
He expects a blow job at the movies but won’t pay for popcorn? Does he know it’s not 2017 anymore
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