Just saw 3 10-year olds in business suits drinking iced coffees at the cafe. I'm officially a failure if these kids have jobs and I don't.
getting your period on valentines day is like an extra little fuck you, now you REALLY have no chance of sex tonight.
He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors
Can we put your name for the shipping address for penis ice luge?
I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face
I've figured out why I love winter sex. Because I make them leave the beanie on, and we all know I love a man in a beanie.
It might've been him telling me last night that he "doesn't even need beer goggles to fuck me." When I thought that was sweet, I realized something needed to change.
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
I left my ice cream out over night, it's melted, fuck this, I just poured Bailey's in it. Problems solved.
She told me the only rule was that I couldn't cum on her Batman blanket.
His weed is so good that I don't wanna risk loosing him as my weed man so I plan to keep him in the friend zone 😂
You put THAT much Jager in me and expect me to realize when things are a bad idea?
Come on, what straight woman, gay man, or bi person HASN'T scrolled through Justin Trudeau pictures after a bad day?
So the next time I search for "Dragon Dildo" on my phone, I should probably clear the browser before handing my phone to someone and that's the first thing they see haha
You shoulda seen me try and clean up custard from an eclair off the floor while trying to pretend to be sober for my mom. Fucking hilarious.
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