I have funfetti in my underwear...will you come get me?
i love rice pilaf. whoever invented that i would give them a hug.
Her hair smelled like a rat dipped in mustard on fire
Do you think girls in gamma phi sit around and think about how much they suck?
She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.
I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.
I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.
I offered to lick your vagina while wearing a suit... Pretty sure chivalry is well alive.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
I think he might be using me for sex. I also think I might be ok with that.
Dude, she set my Tinder preference to men, set the radius to 100 miles, and used up all of my right swipes. I think she's mad.
Pro tip: If you tell him that his dick looks like a muppet then you won't have to see him again.
Totally unrelated, but by the way I DO have one ball bigger than the other.
Randomize
