Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
You know the commpass Jack Sparrow has? The one that just points at whatever you want? Thas pretty much my moral compass.
The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am
I just peed on my pajamas. Its gonna be a long night. Don't forget the cookies.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.
How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?
Dude you went around coming up behind people and whispering in their ears. I dont know what you said but they looked terrified when you left.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
The fact that he said "there's nothing wrong with being a raging drunk, just ask my mother." has me thinking that I have no positive role-models among my friends.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I brought ur friend Scotty home... He started rubbing my crotch then fell down and passed out in front of the microwave
You have a long distance relationship and I have a long distance snapchat sexting buddy. If that doesn't describe who we are as people then I don't know what does.
i tried to propose to him with my nipple ring but i couldnt figure out how to take it out
One day soon I'll learn the difference between a good high and way too high. Today is not the day.
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
Definitely went to court without a bra and panties because Mr. LastNight’s dog stole them. I guarantee you I was the only lawyer going commando in court
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