i just turned barefoot contessa into a drinking game. everytime she uses a knife butter or salt i drink.
I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...
You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld
rainy day on campus = new personal fetish for girls in booty shorts and colorful rain boots
I found what appears to be half an E pill and part of a tooth in my pocket this morning
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.
Because i love you. And people show love by not letting their friends shit themselves.
So, this year for my birthday, want to get rip-roaring schmammered and watch my episode of my super sweet 16? We can do lines off my tiara.
I hopped in a random dudes car outside the strip club at 3pm on a Sunday and said "Follow that car!"
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
Drake has all the answers
Ive never seen a drunk man get suplexed before last week, now its the standard requirement every time we go out.
I woke up in a beaver hat and contruction vest.. I need answers.
I went to my AA meeting last night. My drug dealer is now my counselor.
Randomize
