Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina
I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head
just found my calculator watch from 6th grade. the hipster transformation is complete
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions
I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.
I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.
It was a legit night tell he threw a snowball in the bar, thats when I knew it was time to go to the next bar.
She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.
It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.
only thing in my fruit bowl is 4 champagne corks and a jenga piece . Tuesday.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
I have no idea what happened last night, but my pee is neon green.
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