You just projectile vomited on my dad across the table at waffle house.
Do you think he can smell the vodka?
this girl is having heart failure because she lost her feather...a gypsy blessed it in turkey. Not sure im high enough for this
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Last time I heard from you, you were double fisting strawberry milk and wine. Answer this text so I know you're still alive. Bonus points for a coherent answer.
I just don't do feelings in the summer months.
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
The German just referred to my vagina as the Great Barrier Reef and that he was going to go diving in it.
can I cover your dick in cookie butter?
Update: day 5 and Scott has not left the apartment. Still smoking. Pizza roll supply dwindling.
he has pokemon bedsheets but his dick is huge so i took one for the team
It's 5AM and I just stirred weed butter into ramen noodles. This is not where I expected to be at 30. ...But, hey, getting high off noodles.
You gave me the best orgasm of my life. I'm buying you a house
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