my throat hurts so bad i feel like i just gave head to a cactus.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
can you put a coffee maker in the dish washer? yo know what, nvm i want to be surprised
I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I keep waking up with the nagging feeling I gave him half a hand job through his shorts.
all he has to do is look at me on new years and hes getting laid. thats how hot he is
you looked at me, pointed to a car and silently said "the elephant parks here".
Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?
Sometimes you just gotta get high and go to a planetarium. Why can't he understand that?
To be honest, the last time I saw him he had a jesus costume on telling people to pray to his bible.
So he's at the chuch?
No, hooters.
Drugs and unwanted pregnancies are the only things that I'm good at. College comes in at a close third.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
Did you put my shoes in the freezer.
Nope. I did however put them in the kiddie pool you pissed in in the living room before Tyler put them in the freezer. Ass hole.
Randomize
