I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.
Can't remember why I called but it definitely had something to do with Lou Bega
I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.
after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'
You don't even understand how penises react in the cold. I'm like a 8 year old boy right now.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?
I feel that it is my duty to the human race to invent a colon squeegy
He walked straight into the wall, said "excuse me ma'am" and continued back to his dorm room.
Jeff brought me a cup of coffee to my desk. He's getting a blow job.
You just sent me an audio message of you peeing. That’s true love right there.
You should probably come home from vacation now. I make badddd decisions when you're gone.
Randomize
