You should see what I'm doing to your stuffed animals
Did you know Kal Penn works at the white house? That's almost white castle.
Apparently I think casual Friday means I can show up unshaven in yesterday's clothes and reeking of booze.
i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone
I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.
there's another hole in my ceiling...someone fell through the attic this time....
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
There are 144 bottles of wine in my mother's pantry. She just shrugged her shoulders and said it was for the wine pong tournament on Christmas Day.
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.
Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?
There was a tour on campus today, and there were two girls i went to high school with in the group. They saw me and ran up to me as i was unlocking my door. when i opened it, kate was laying in a pile of glitter and beer cans. We need to reevaluate.
Somehow he made it really romantic
He came on your tits... That doesn't scream romance to me.
I spent the entire night stroking his hair. He was cool with it. Never thought a ginger stoner would help me work through my social anxiety but here we are.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
Randomize
