Please come pick me up? I sleep walked to planned parenthood again.
I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.
Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend
This is the 4th time we've hooked up, and this morning we woke up, he got out of bed and left. Left me alone in his apartment with 3 of his friends. Without even a word. Why do i like this guy?
he made his penis look like a sprinkler when he was coming. it was pretty cool actually.
I told you, we're just gonna get ripped and light sparklers
We are a team. I lure them in with my tits, feed them enough alcohol to consider homosexuality, and hand them off to you.
You're the best wingman ever.
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
Nope I went the fuck home like an adult
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I just remember lots of butts and something about ranch dressing.
All I remember is grabbing a random guys dick at the bar and him just saying thank you and us taking a shot together
Okay, maybe filling water balloons with vodka was not our best idea.
not even sure this counts as hungover but like my body can't exist in reality today
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
