Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....
which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...
My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."
Figured I'd get right to the point
Just rinsed and put my styrofoam cup of noodles in the dishwasher. I need to be not hungover ASAP
He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"
Using a miniature baseball bat to kill a mosquito in the house may not have been the most efficient or safest way, but that thing is fucking dead. However, so are three wine glasses, a lamp, and my baseball bat privileges. Worth it.
Just skate-of-shamed, shirtless, with a bucket or margaritas. Good luck beating that one.
We are all yelling at the cat at our apt in nothing but our underwear. How do you think it's going.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
Do normal couples celebrate occasions naked with Chicken McNuggets and BBQ sauce?
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
If I knew the person sucking my dick didn't say thank you for their Christmas presents I wouldn't be able to cum.
I don’t have enough daddy issues for this shit, make him go away
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