i mistaked the back of her knee for her vagina
this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
Fine. Just this once and because its veterans day will I send you a picture of my tits. You're lucky I love this country.
I really hope that wasn't actually his first time. Because if my first time was anything like that I would NEVER have sex again.
now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.
Couldn't see or hear that well because she hit me on the back of the head with a bat. That is my excuse. Also the gin.
he gave me a new purse full of weed and five boxes of samoas for my birthday. best boyfriend ever.
The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.
This is NOT the time to take our hits and go to Disney. Let me repeat that. NOT THE TIME FOR DISNEY ON ACID
You slept on a pillow of digiorno
My autocorrect won't finish pterodactyl for me and I'm feeling personally attacked.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
dude i told her that I loved her...and she said, " go fuck yourself"
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Randomize
