She punched me in the face after i pulled it out and grabbed my cell phone. Ill be the one hiding in the bushes with one shoe.
Grilled cheese is the best thing. ever. better than boys, and alcohol, and sex, and chocolate, and money. But not really the last two.
anyone who says 'i love you' and then followed by 'im going to call the cops if you touch me' doesnt really mean the first part fyi
Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.
You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.
What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.
This is why we're friends.
new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.
If I get one more "oh yaaaaa he changed your oil" texts, I'm gonna lose my shit
I know this shouldnt be a problem, but there are too many women hitting on me. I dont know what to do
Fun fact: You might be drunk if your vision is so blurry that you almost ask "do you know where my glasses are?" while you're wearing them.
OHMYGOD YOU REALLY THINK I'D BE ON OPRAH?!
Randomize
