it was my 21st birthday. took an old mans walker so i could stay till last call. reasonable right?
Well the nurse forgot to take all my stitches out, so my surgical tools are peroxide, kitchen scissors, fingernail clippers, a pocket knife, and 11 beers. Let's do this...
I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.
No i peed with you in the toilet. The guy I high fived was mid pee in front of the urinal
Are you in a cab?
I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?
Oh my god. I just RAN OVER a child. Oh my god this isnt my day. That kid was cool as fuck though
No need to talk. Eventually, he'll either stop coming over, or decide that it's a relationship.
And if not?
...I keep getting free bourbon and great sex with no expectations. You really don't understand that there is no "down side," do you?
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.
Congratulations on your downgrade, shes one hell of a 5
I just baby talked my cat. While getting ready for bed... Before 10 on a Friday. I'm officially a cat lady.
He told me he wished he could shrink down to a small size so he could live inside my cleavage
I don't particularly remember setting a firecracker off in my hand. No more tequila.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
God... We're terrible. I'm so proud of us.
I know! It makes me feel all warm inside. Or maybe that's just me getting closer to hell.
Randomize
