You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!
keep it on the DL tho cause i dont want it getting out and it coming off like i kidnapped her or something
I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..
i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
Just walk straight and zig zag through cars tell you get to the road. That's where I am. Perpendicular to the doors do not make any turns
I just stole a conducting baton from the chicago symphony orchestra... i have to stop drinking on weeknights
Sorry, all I could picture was you jamming your dick into a lemon.
I really don't think there's anything more liberating than farting.in a loud bar where no one.can.hear you
Woke up at 10 with bourbon being shoved down my throat and him yelling, "shot train! Don't be a bitch"
Also...I'm semi-dating the drug dealer that took me to bible study
Anyway, it's clearly a shapeshifting vagina/AT-AT, which I never said I was SEXUALLY attracted to. Just that I liked it.
My tinder date wouldn't stop talking about the Star Wars movie trailer long enough to fuck me. HOW IS THIS MY LIFE?!?
Apparently I was walking around with a slice of bread and wine saying, "Jesus would have wanted this." 🙄 🍞🍷
Officially not baby mama #3. Celebration is in order.
Randomize
