Your vagina is a self cleaning oven.
What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried
Dipping doritos in Grey Poupon. Why does no one treat me like the lady I am?
He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.
I cannot describe the pre-ejaculative horrors thru the medium of text messaging
You did a body shot out of her belly button with a bendy straw.
I don't get it. Why have babies when you can have vodka?
Kid got so high from the brownies he forgot his own name. Welcome to college.
So I ate half a jar of mayo because I thought it would cure a hangover. I thought wrong.
Drunk me really needs to stop 1. telling every attractive dude in a relationship that monogamy isn't real 2. Proposing threesomes with them and their girlfriends
There's hope in those eyes, for a better tomorrow or more cocaine, we may never know, but there's hope.
I sent her a video on Snapchat of me cumming, with a Father's Day snap filter that said "#1 Dad".
I think I just saw my socks in the parking lot.. gonna keep walking
I couldn't be more proud to be a cougar. Just wondering how these twenty somethings learned how to fuck so well? Must be porn.
Randomize
