You dont remember anything at all? So you dont remember the shop down my road with the 'TO LET' sign over it? You were adamant that the 'I' had fallen off and that it used to say TOILET...so you took a shit right there in the doorway.
Just cleaned up my puke with my lecture notes.
someone just puked in the library. they put up caution tape. i totally underestimated finals week.
he built a boat made of joints. holyyy shit
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.
She fell asleep with me.... We found her pantsless in the dogbed in the morning... Russian foreign exchange students
You just can't finish a sentence that starts with "I may have drunk peed in the bed" with "do you mind if I skip work and sleep here?" Anyways, yeah still drunk at work.
I seriously need to grocery shop. I have a slice of cheese, and alcohol.
Ever since we've gotten back together, it's like the ghosts of booty call's past have been hitting me up. Lol.
Jessica just ate her lipstick. That's how the night is going
If there aren't any tits where you are, you're doing it wrong.
I woke up at 5am on my couch, naked, with a cereal bowl of water next to me. Apprently, drunk me thought I was a kitten last night. Super impressed I slept next to the bowl all night and didn't spill a drop.
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
Randomize
