I thought he was gonna sex me but then he ran to my bathroom and jerked off
I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.
once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.
Hardly remember what he looks like and the man has seen me passed out spread eagle. I begin this journey with such a disadvantage.
I mean, I'm twenty four years old and I've never paid for my own drink. You can't say that any of your ex girlfriends boobs are THAT great.
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I told him I had AIDS after he bit me. His dad cried. I think I just ruined the little guy's 3rd birthday, but he had in coming.
My cab driver just suggested I brush my teeth because he can smell "the party" on me.
Also I found and fixed my beer gun.
I wore a shirt that says "more tequila" to my bday party last year and that's why I want to be my own friend
He called me for phone sex. Do you know how hard it is to fake an orgasm, and play Candy Crush at the same time?
the cop asked if i was drunk and i responded with "breathalize me, cap'n". incidentally, he was a captain and i blew a .13.
You know it's a bad cold when sneezing feels better than orgasming...
Turns out, the guy I'm casually fucking has a girlfriend who's cheating on him with my sister's boyfriends brother who I fucked last year. And my sex life has now come full circle.
Flirting with/getting ready to possibly sleep with a married HS classmate and getting added to a bible study group chat within minutes of each other. #Balance
Randomize
