she just put all the cheese in the refrig to sleep.. and yes we did finish you bottle.
So I just walked into the bathroom, and there was this kid, talking to his mom, while taking a shit. I flushed the toilet next to him and heard him say into the phone, "No, I'm not. I'm in my dorm."
Ok I won't set anything on fire if you wear pants all night. This is a bet we're both destined to lose.
you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30
My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.
Circumcision scars are like fingerprints. I think I'm on to something man.
Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.
Wrote my name backwards on the test and asked for extra credit points. Late start booze days are my new favorite thing.
Also when i was high i would close my eyes and see a puppy on a grill having pancake batter poured on it.... And for whatever reason it was fucking hilarious.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.
I woke up at 4 am to a guy curled up in the fetal position sobbing in our front yard. Oh college.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
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