you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Pretty much knew it was gonna be awful when the extra condoms she had from her ex were entirely too big for my dick
Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I woke up in bed alone w 2 bite marks on my boob... Salt and pepper shakers In my purse along w a bottle of steak sauce.... The drunkasauraus has struck again
I'm going to smoke the pathetic stems and miscellaneous particles that weren't good enough for all my other bowls because its all I have left. This is my bag's Rudy moment.
NO HOOKUPS IN THE CAR. I will try as i might to practice what i preach, but there are no guarantees.
I woke up with $140 in twenties in my bra and have never been more puzzled.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Youre having a picnic
Yeah but all we have is vodka, so it's getting a bit out of hand.
someone stole all your weed so you told us you were planning each of our deaths
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
Well, he kept asking me if I was going to murder him once we got upstairs. It sort of killed the mood.
And despite my lack of successful relationships I'm a fucking guru
That's like claiming you're a good coach but going 2-12 last season
That moment when you’re at the doctor to give a sperm sample you’re only getting 3G so the porn is buffering
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