loyola was giving a tour this morning and they all saw me in a half ripped off toga throwing up over the side of the dorm stairs
you don't even go to loyola anymore
the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
He was about to puke, and so I handed him an empty beer can. In retrospect, not very helpful.
Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there
We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.
All I wanted was a "this is what America feels like" blowjob before I left. Is that too much to ask for?
Just woke up next to a girl with 30 hot dogs in my bed. Vodka you win again.
I'm smoking a bowl in my bathtub. I'm meant to be alone.
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
I just remembered touching your bosses wife's fake tits last night. Thanks again for taking me to your work function.
Had a slight melanoma scare this morning. Spoiler alert, it was Nutella.
My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.
What kind of sociopath goes to sleep at 9pm when I clearly need attention
all I remember is them saying he had a big dick and the next thing I know I’m leaving with him
Randomize
