Yeah, we realized keeping you in a cage wasn't beneficial to us
I'm actually glad you're quitting. Now there's one less person at work who's seen me naked.
This chick just checked into her walk of shame on Foursquare... I think I'm in love.
I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Well, I'm off to go seduce a gay man. In 10 years when I'm 300 pounds, sitting in a mumu surrounded by my 500 cats, remind me of this text. That way I can be like "ohhh THERE'S where I went wrong!!"
At one point during xmas dinner my whole family was double fisting. It was like thats how I learned to drink moment
Dude, you're only mentioning the Bro Code so I can't get any
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Was considering going to moonshine but I think I'm just gonna stay home and drink beer because there is no law against partial nudity here.
He told me to tell my ass that he loved and missed it, and even though he hasn't known it long, it might be the one for him
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
Getting so old my power naps are turning into, "can I reasonably just go to bed at this time?"
Wine through a straw in a subway cup.....classy
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