they just started talking about wanting to bang stephanie tanner from full house
I had a dream that chipotle was out of burritos... Was more like a nightmare.. Gotta go make sure it wasn't real now
You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency
Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.
This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.
Remember camping when you drank 36 beers to yourself in one day and puked in your tent? Ready for round 2?
I'm pretty sure I did the Macarena with a gay guy while shot gunning a beer
I walked into the bathroom of the hotel and she's in the bath tub with a guy she met a day ago. They were sharing a shrimp cocktail platter and shot gunning bud lights. Oh and it was noon.
The molly dropped while I was taking a shit. Do you have any idea how scary that is?
That does not seem like timing
This is a mass text to all my friends. Whoever gets this first, please find me and confiscate my phone immediately. I am far too high to have it. Even if you have to punch me in my face to get it. Otherwise, let the "High While Analyzing Disney Movies" texts begin.
I just opened a beer with a child's toy at a 5 year olds birthday....can you look up the next AA meeting?!!
Randomize
