nothing tight i'm going to stuff myself with food and alchy
If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...
i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried
we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
Sorry about that whole "setting your deck on fire" thing.
Our Icelandic basketball player brought cocaine and rachael is screaming that he should do lines off her stomach. It's that kind of party
He told me I was a pleasure to arrest. That's the 2nd time I've heard that.
You peed up the stairs in front of everyone then blamed it on the dog
Please don't explain what tea bagging is to my mother.
Why can't all sociopaths be as fabulous as me?
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
I was cock-blocked by a swat team last night.
If she didn't have scissors in her hand I would have motor boated the fuck out of her when she was done cutting my hair.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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