If i'm not hungover, near death, and wondering what i did the night before on Monday, life is not worth living.
I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.
The bouncer said he wanted to but BBQ sauce on my legs. That Mystic tan has already paid for itself.
Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.
On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in
First thought today, I need a ventriloquist dummy that looks like me. This week's project has been determined.
I'm not asking you to commit. I'm politely asking your penis to be my friend.
It is unclear if my flaming esophagus is hangover induced.
I just got nudes while talking in the third person. Not sure if I Should be proud or ashamed.
I noticed while having sex on Friday that I have great endurance. CrossFit works.
My apartment looks like the apocalypse of sobriety.
I woke up in a cornfield to shouting, a bottle of Jim Beam, and a bunch of mc muffins. If this doesn't scream Illinois, idk what does.
Thx for last night. I've never had so much fun while being told my life decisions are questionable at best.
You had sex with a kid to spare him the shame of being a virgin. Evidence is on my side.
Y’all did coke off my Puff The Magic Dragon plate.😂
Randomize
