I called you to phone bone last night, but you were out with your boring friends playing video games
i just went dwnstairs and there are 5 guys without their shirts on hugging each other. i think i should leave now
I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
i was blowing him and "what if god was one of us" came on his playlist. I had to leave
After I tried for five minutes to hang my beer from the coat hanger in the bathroom , I have realized I am drunk
Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids
so when i dont talk to her she talks to herself...idk whats worse
Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE
No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.
I have to confess something, I may or may not have knocked on your window at 2:30 am while balancing on some guys hands. We found tequila.
I'm going to write a horror movie. It's going to be called "Fat People on a Squeaky Bed" and it's going to feature me laying in bed last night listening to my overweight roommate and her fat boyfriend tossing and turning all night
You're about wine.
Yes, I'm like 90% wine at the moment
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
Randomize
