i just realized i've been trying to levitate the potatoe chip out of her hand for the past ten minutes. i think i smoked to much.
you kept running across the street. everytime you made it across successfully you took something off. can't believe there were no cops around...
oh thats it?
Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
You'll be proud of me
Who did you not have sex with
Damn it...you know me too well
NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...
God I fucking love America.
if i die of alcohol poisoning tonight, just know i kinda expected it and totally deserved it
I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.
no you're not allowed back
come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night
Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday
WHY AM I NOT THERE?
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
I was so stoned last night I got into an argument with your voicemail message.
I just lit a blunt like right in front of an old man and I was like sir please shieldeth your eyes
" my drug dealer just stopped by and did an elmo impression for my 2 year old nephew."
There is a huge fucking spider in my bathroom....I can just burn our apartment down right? What do you need me to grab?
All I’ve had today is sex and water. I think it’s time for tacos.
Randomize
