with your own penis?
if he's not good at sex i should be allowed to have sex with someone who is. that's a totally legit statement i think
sometimes i wish i could just stick a turkey baster up there and suck out the blood
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
you were stumbling around in your attic looking for all your swim team medals because you wanted to "feel like a champion."
I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...
Just woke up with a blunt in each nostril and a lighter duct taped to my chest...good lookin out
What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies
I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"
holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever
Dude! I just figured out I can successfully hide a 4oz flask between my boobs without endangering my cleavage! College: conquered!
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
Walked in on my roommate covering his dick in blue frosting. Am staying with my folks for the Forth. See you Monday if the brain bleach works.
Tequila. The ruiner of all good intentions.
at the hospital. Kevin drank straight from the river
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