oh God, I have a dick of a middle schooler
It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.
Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.
Welp. I just hopped out of his window to avoid meeting his parents... happy monday!
I would makeout with my roommate, but im not drunk enough and she doesnt like bacon fat
He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?
This isn't fair. Why can't sober me be good at bejeweled?
We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.
I may have tried to encourage people to play a new game I invented last night. I called it Super Quarters. Like regular quarters, only using an AA medallion.
In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?
HOLD ONTO YOUR PANTIES AND SAY GOODBYE TO THE REMAINDER OF YOUR INTEGRITY
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
He's the first man I've met that knows more about Harry Potter than I do. He shops at Goodwill and has a Game of Thrones cookbook in his apartment. This is my soulmate.
Just got a motivational speech from the tacobell drive thru guy at 2am
Look, if it comes down to it, I’m spraying whipped cream on your nuts
Randomize
