I want leopard sheets
haha sexcapades
thats the plan
She got her phone back last night. And the first thing I sent her was a picture of me pooping in a culvers bathroom
for future reference: even when 4 loko is flat it still fucks you up. im near a tree. come find me.
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
It's cheaper then a lap dance and you get your hair cut.
I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.
I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?
Someone please drive out to my house to bring me a beer.. There are some in the fridge but I just can't get up
There is a video recording of my birth. I have seen it. It is terrifying.
What the hell happened to my hand?
Well, you got in a fight with a cabbie while jaywalking, but we got you to walk away. The problem was 80 blocks away, when you punched a parked taxi for "running you over".
Life achievement unlocked: I just ate a Slim Jim "Lady and the Tramp" style with a guy in a bar.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
You took one look at him and said "let's hope I don't remember this tomorrow" then you took another shot and chased it with a beer.. I guess it was a success.
Oh the best part of having sex with him was that he made me a smoothie after
Dude.. She just busted into my house wearing a ski mask, a poncho, and thigh-high pink hooker boots and yelled, "THE CABS ARE HEEERRREEE!!"
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