We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??
It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.
You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.
Your last day of twenties? OK. Then I'll give you til midnight. Then you turn into a pumpkin. A big, 30 year old pumpkin.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.
I found them. Thank God. Now I'm gonna have to take a Xanax for the panic attack I almost had trying to find my Xanax.
i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
My liver needs me to go back to work asap.
WHY IS THERE A FUCKING DILDO IN PLACE OF MY GEAR SHIFTER IN MY CAR?
Listen, you eat the donut. I eat you out. Everybody wins.
I asked what it takes to be a good delivery driver, my new boss said "always keep these in your vehicle" as he handed me a flashlight and a blunt. I'm going to like this job.
Omg I just looked in my purse from last night.. 10 bags of gummy bears.
Randomize
