she said i have a nice penis, i told her only bob saget and god could judge that.
it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
she cried into her fur with two handfuls of money- she was the physical manifestation of white girl problems
I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.
Your message cut off at "shit on the floor". Your life is incredible.
I just want to like rub my face on his abs
I need help
Just so you know, if I get bored tomorrow I WILL pretend to get drunk in the bathroom and crash the whole thing
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
I'm drinking and making muffins and I believe this is why God put us on earth.
This morning I found four opened yet full beers on my desk and my towel rack pulled off the wall and in bed with me
You passed out in your dogs bed and you only willingly woke up because I told there was a bottle of vodka and a snickers bar waiting for you upstairs
I'm having leftover pizza for breakfast. I'm clearly not the greatest at this adult thing.
We are horrible
Yeah but we're also awesome
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