I fucked **** last night, don't tell mike
this is mike. we're done.
Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.
Mike and I just ate the lobster we found in the toilet
Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving
Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.
im just laying in bed, eating, getting fat, enjoying eating and getting fat, thinking about how i will probably have to get a fat boyfriend.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
maybe facebook could make a notification like "someone tagged a photo of that guy you used to bang and still think is really hot with his shirt off"
You keep making the old jokes & I'm gonna come down with a sudden case of low-estrogen related vaginal dryness..
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
You've changed since you got that strap on
Somehow I went from sitting in a car upside down to waking up in the grass surounded by paramedics. It was a great night.
Next thing I know her tits are out on my desk. It was straight out of a porno. What was I supposed to do I’m not made of stone
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
I know you’re not my dad, but you’re someone dad. And you’re also like a second dad to me who I also send nudes to as well. Happy Father’s Day
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