12 pack with dinner. Living by yourself is awesome.
Is it bad that when I see ugly people make out, I hope he's impotent?
yeah. and then it was like the room of requirement. the elevator just opened for our threesome.
Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.
You spelled "worthless" wrong.
surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on
He thought the strainer was a giant bowl to puke in.
I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.
She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.
I considered my 2012 starting right when the cop followed the wrong car for the bottle rocket we shot at him
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
He was twisted. Literally. It's like God took his dick with a pair of pliers and gave it a half twist to the left.
Drunken snow shoveling. Visiting my family is starting to become a seriously risky venture.
Guess whose hungry like a hippo: this bitch.
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
I just found out that there's a bar that has happy hour at 12 pm. It's like the universe doesn't want me to be sober
Randomize
