3:38a: you guys up to anything right now?
That's your vagina. No one goes out and burns it
just took a sink shower in Arbys bathroom
i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.
It's finally official that I am from Oklahoma. I'm currently sleeping with my ex-fling's brother.
I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..
Any night you end up on the couch next to the trash can with a bag of white wine on your head is a rough night.
God forbid we drive unregistered mopeds without license plates on a pedestrians only sidewalk without goggles while flipping off passing cars.
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
Aparently i was the only guy at her parents bbq throwing up in the pool so Im the asshole right...
New drunken fun fact of last night, after I pushed Sarah and before I started making out with guy #1, I shouted that I'd go to third base on a first date, then threw myself at him
The cat just walked up and made eye contact with me while I had sex. I'm going to have to burn the house down with him in it.
Who put the fucking tampon in my Mike's hard lemonade?
If so I'm coming over there. There's no way I'm having "hello, how are you" conversations with my neighbors on acid
Welp. It's confirmed. There is literally no lube on this entire island. Fuck me. More accurately, don't fuck me.
Randomize
