I should have bought two bottles, she left before I could feel her tits...
I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.
he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick
The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.
I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.
things were going awesome until jimmy put out a cigarette in the everclear.
I fully support your bad decision but I do not approve of your unironic use of the word yolo
I think I was just motorboated by a 4-year old girl.
Dude, exfoliate your balls. you'll thank me later.
MY TITS JUST CAUSED A CAR ACCIDENT ON THE HIGHWAY! i kid you not!! i thinl the giy is actually dead
It’s a dick. Seen one, seen em all. Unless it spews a fountain of tequila, I don’t need to see yours.
I don't want to go to sleep. I like partying with myself.
Randomize
