"Morning after" poops are always like, interesting.
I told him I was pregnant. Figured it would soften the blow of telling him I had herpes.
Did it?
Not as such, no.
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
it's so much work when my dad takes my car to get fixed, i had to take out the bottles, condoms, and my pipe
eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'
For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.
He's dressed as a power ranger handing out cocaine
I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.
I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them
FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT
Never thought I would be taunted by little kids about my walk of shame
I took a yellow and pink pill, all of a sudden my sex drive is back, and for some reason all I wanna do is fuck Amish dudes
Good God, I miss doing unknown drugs with you.
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
Drunk me really does appreciate that sober me made a list of movies to watch when drunk it saves so much time
I'll be perfectly honest; there are times other guys have consented to have sex with me because of my punctuation.
I've never had to say don't judge me for chip clips in the shower before
I'm going to need you to stop harassing my professor on Twitter when you're drunk.
Randomize
