someone took a shit in my car last night and left $5 on the seat...
My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob
If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would
My goal tonight is to get arrested because what cop can say they have ever arrested a giant sperm before. God I love halloween
Babysitting for someone you accidently sent nudies to is so fucking awkward.
Well, I found the missing blow... in my fucking suitcase... THIS MORNING. Yeah, I flew from FL to NY with blow in my suitcase yesterday.
I told you to check, dude
Yeah, AFTER I checked my bag and I was already sitting on a plane. Oh well. I figured worst case I'd do like 15 hours in county and I was totally prepared for that anyways. I always prepare for that when we hang out.
Hey, you remember years ago when you told me you would give me a kidney?
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
I made him dress me after we fucked. He put me in TMNT pants and then told me I looked hot.
With gravity the way it is and your butt clearly being the size of a bus you'd break your hip or something
yeah, i'm probably gonna die. still gonna be totally worth it tho
screwing the intern at work sucks when u find out the boss is too. She is a smoking hot though
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Is she still on a quest to lick every stranger that enters the bar, or have the restraining orders reached critical mass?
I need a rain check on breakfast. A frat boy said it was his dream to sleep with a MILF, I made his dream come true and he made me cum
There is no way I’m wasting 21 year old morning wood
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