So I'm playing pool in my cowboy boots and some guy came up looks at my boots and goes, "you should've got the boots with the fur"
Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
I'm starting therapy this week.. Taylor Swift music isn't cutting it for me anymore
My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.
He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I mean if you can't appreciate a good looking dick then just get out.
My guy issues hinge on tonight's game. Caps win, it's Dustin. Rangers win, Josh. I even flipped a coin to see who got what team
Fuck you. Leave my nipples out of this. THEY DID NOTHING TO YOU
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
If I could tell my younger self three things it would be: 1. Smoke a lot more weed 2. Have a lot more sex 3. Own a good set of pots and pans
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
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