Woke up with a retainer in my boxers and about ten chicks passed out around me. now I feel like something out of Cinderella, trying to find whose teeth fit in the glass retainer.
...and the foreplay consisted of me threatening to cut off his hand if he didn't remove it from my back.
i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong
Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.
I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration
I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity
Ok so in the last 18 months I have now driven four different dudes into counseling. I'm like heroin with a vagina.
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...
Yeah. I made eggs in a microwave. I think that's an accomplishment this week, MOM.
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
You were petting a 40 year old man's moustache for 15 minutes
So you were shitfaced and stole a fucking kayak?
I couldn't figure out what was more important, finishing the shot or putting out the fire on my leg.
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