Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin
Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.
i just know my balls have never hurt this bad before
turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
dude chill. we stole 18 hamburgers from her house
no. you cant fuck a burger.
You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.
So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...
I don't know if this whole sobriety thing is going to work out... It's only been 3 days and I want to chug vodka
Well I checked the bush outside his apartment building this morning, and he wasn't there... So I knew he was home.
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
It's 1:26 and I have already found 5 fruit flies between 3 separate glasses of wine. This is supposed to be a summer problem. Fucking global warming.
I never thought wine and chicken nuggets would end up being a thing that I did, but here we are
Because it's not worth it. And there is no nice way of saying "sorry, you're not good enough at sex for me to drive 45 mins"
I'm not sure if I should pay him or he should pay me, but someone should get paid for the sex I had this morning.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
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