Just chased the kids into the backyard with kitchen knives. Best. Babysitters. Ever.
Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb
it's ELEVEN
thirty
No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".
I don't see how you can turn down creme brulee and orgasms
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Its mothers day, andI woke up with 12 bar stamps on my face, holding orange juice and a box of tampons. This can not be happening
you know, i'm always afraid you're going to think i only want you for sex because i only text you when i'm horny
speaking of, guess what i'm thinking about
I need vodka mixed w a bit of holy water right now
Good, I would never sleep with your boyfriend , or send you an edible arangment
He just said Bill Nye is just a dude. If I ever considered sleeping with him, I never will now.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
MY BUTT IS BIG ENOUGH FOR AN ANACONDA AND HE DOESNT GET TO ENJOY IT TOUGH SHIT
Took an adderall for the first time in a few weeks. Spent 45 minutes peeling an orange TO PERFECTION.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
She walked into the kitchen, said 'we've come to this time of the party,' reached into the bowl of cold spaghetti and shoved a handful in her mouth.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
found a note from drunk me saying "don't worry i fed the mice". WHAT MICE?
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