He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n
So. She dumped me today.
Well, maybe you shouldn't have referred to going down on her as "Dumpster-Diving".
Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up
Oh thank the gods of upholstery, i thought that was never coming out...
It was over as soon as he asked if he could name my vagina pancake.
I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off
I got so drunk last night that I drunk texted myself. "hand jobs are the currency of the future"
Though I don't usually want to turn down ladies who want to liquify my clothing with their eyes, I made an exception.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
For a man with no legs he was surprisingly good at doggy style.
I don't know whether to high-five you or stage an intervention.
I would professionally fuck the shit out of her
ARE YOU OKAY?
Physically? Yes. Morally? No.
I mean seriously with your cock and my tits combined we could rule the world. Pinky and the brain style
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
I told him I lived in the apartment beside his brother and he said "oh, you're the girl that watches really loud porn!"
Randomize
