It was my birthday today and i decided that i am not checking my notifications on facebook so ill feel popular
Wrong number and your a loser
Spaghetti and Car Bombs, good idea or what will end up on the bar in a few minutes?
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
drunk tastebuds have low standards.
its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.
I think cutting a patient out of a owl costume is a first for those guys. It's a good story at least.
Where are you in relation to the mariatchi band?
I know this is a weird question but we both had pants on when my mom woke us up last night right?
You're never the same once you're dry humped on the frat house floor
How's everyone else's ass tattoo today?
Give me 20 minutes.. I'm going to need to start off with an orgasm to get through this day
It's going to be like a slumber party but with ketamine
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Woke up in a house I don't know, with someone else's pants on, and wolverine hair, to my girlfriend yelling on the phone about the 4 girls I made out with last
Too hungover to brush my teeth. took a swig of menthol schnapps instead. lazy or incredibly efficient?
Youre my hero
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