this girl is running around outside screaming, it's creaming on me! it's creaming on me. I totally have to find my video camera
i know they say sex burns calories but i think i actually gained weight from just lying there for the whole 2 minutes
but the lizard people decide everything anyway
My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college
Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.
My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.
there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends
i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.
No he exists. Who else tells me no matter how drunk I am to pull out. He's watching over me so my bastard doesn't get created.
bad news.. campus security walked me home last night and when i tried to tell them where i lived they assured me they knew where our house was.
I wasn't an ass in college so much more like I showed my ass a lot especially during serious beerpong games. You know I don't fuck around when it comes to sports.
I feel like a bottle of fireball rented a bull dozer and ran me over until I was left without a shred of my dignity
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
