If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.
Like my Aunt Merial always says ... big dicks, big dicks.
Moved my bed either I'm a whore or every guy I have ever slept with hid condom wrappers under my bed
u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
just masturbated through my pocket at the library. hope you're enjoying your saturday night out.
I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils
I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
THEY NOW HAVE MIXED DRINK EMOJIS! LIFE IS GOOD! PRINCESSES DON'T DRINK BEER
We decided to make playlists for each other. Do you know any songs that say "sorry I'm not as hot as your prostitute ex?"
He could stay over, if you'd just ask.
Yeah. What am I supposed to say? "Oh, my couch is occupied, but my vagina's not"
Any story that involves the words "bloody hand job" and/or "sliced penis" is bound to be a good one, right?
Turns out end of the world sex is H-O-T, HOoot! I'll be the only progressive lady smiling today
She slapped a big dramatic bandage on my arm and people started buying me drinks...I plan on wearing a full body cast tomorrow night.
Randomize
