Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?
Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.
Somedays I wish I were a bird. Then people wouldn't be so grossed out when I vomit
worms taste like bacon by the way.
I always wondered what they tasted like.
I think this hangover is going to kill me. If it succeeds I would like you to read a dramatic rendition of 'Trapped in the closet' complete with interpretative dance at my funeral.
I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.
You talked about giving to sperm banks on a first date. What did you expect?
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
I just passed a kid trying to leave on a lawn mower
I distinctly remember telling him "I'll suck your dick while you eat pizza"
Went to 7-11 to buy condoms with the $20 I found on the ground outside Rite Aid. A good day for drug stores
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
You know you've been on Tinder too long when you're the guy cropped out of the profile pic. Of a woman you're still seeing...
Just because I also want a blowjob doesn't mean I don't want to just see you too.
AMAZON SELLS SEX SWINGS!
Of course he’s picking me up at the airport. I taught him the Lotus position last time we had sex.
Randomize
