Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Are you pooping in the stall next to me?
Maybe....
Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.
Dont judge me. Him and his friends got me drunk for free, the least i could do was suck his dick
I miss the days when all my weekends consisted of were 69 and crunchwraps
Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.
I just want uncharted vagina. Fresh and ripe.
i never thought i could drink so much vodka in 8 minutes
I miss my brother. He would have fucked the fat girl for me.
I told you I would
I wouldnt do that to you. You're my actual friend
the guy sitting next to me at the bar has a patrick swayze tattoo hovering over a roast beef sandwich. 'merica.
We should discuss this later when sobriety has returned. Right now he's just like a distant cousin.
I have decided that today will be all about indulgence and hedonism.
I'm not saying I would have to be high to sleep with him. I'm just saying it would probably help.
Do u have any idea how hard it is to masturbate in a CVS bathroom when your name is being called over the speakers to pick up a prescription for painkillers?
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Randomize
