his facial hair looked like he just ate out someone's ass
Come see our sink grown plant.
It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.
she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza
Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?
Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.
It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."
The last thing I remember was paying off her younger brother not to judge me, then puking on his shoes.
Of the 4 nights I've gone downtown this week, I've been "piss in the parking lot" drunk 5 times
I just wrote the Drag Queen from Saturday Night on FB and apologized for licking her. Weirdest thing I have ever typed...
I told you I missed you and you said you missed me as much as you miss a urinary tract infection. I get it. You're still mad.
Do you think my laundromat will notice that the bloodstain on my sheets is in the shape of a face?
His parents bailed him out, the police said they found him on a curb trying to call people on his wallet, hahha. He had his wallet open to his ear callin people
Got pulled over today for going 90 in a 40 zone with my leg out of the window. Still got out of the ticket. I'm getting way too good at this. Wanna trade bodies so we can see if it's my boobs or my charm?
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
