Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail
I just pulled the condom that i lost on tues out of me at work ewwww!
We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."
I think any school that has COCKS written on it's baseball hats has their priorities straight.
im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.
When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.
Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.
I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home
So maybe putting the blacklight above the futon wasn't the best idea...
Showed up physical therapy hammered. The therapist just says this isnt part of the program.
i'll llet you know if at any point this night starts to make any sense
I responded with "neat-o burrito" to his SEXT...he tried so hard and I just panicked.
So for St Paddys day I colored my junk green and got a little hat for him....wanna see it before I sober up....
THERES A BEAVER CHASING ME, ANGRY BEAVERS IS FUCKING REAL DUDE
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Randomize
