I'm at breakfast still drunk holding a blow up parrot
So he saw that playlist i made with his name as the title. i think he's creeped out that I have 106 songs that remind me of him
MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.
They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods
On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"
Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Nah. And this is true. It's like you were trained by sexual Jedi or something.
*jedi wave* this is the penis you were looking for
she's sitting there like the lesbian godfather. A cigarette in one hand and a titty in the other.
If you can't drink with the big boys, give up your beer and go back to the playpen
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
My pizza delivery guy was so hot I was like omg please let this be the beginning of a porno
Bootycalls can't go limp that's like against the law
Can you get the dildos out of the shower before the maids come?
He thought it would be sexy if he found my clothes and dressed me, and it was..until he found a thong under his bed and assumed it was mine. It wasn't
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