So how come you never look me in the eyes anymore when we make love?
i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover
he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house
Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again
i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.
I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..
that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.
Dude he's not responding... I'll take that as an unpleasant visit to the clinic
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
The rest of the concert I just stared at the lights and didn't really listen to the music cuz I was trying to make sure my brain still worked cuz my face was numb and I couldn't move... Yeah I'm not a weed brownie person
Please don't place wagers on my sex life unless you are giving me a cut. With my current sluttiness I feel like I deserve 40% for how much money you'll make
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Can you not touch my dick while I'm holding a gecko?
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
It's fucking 2020, I should be able to watch Netflix in the buff while making brownies without you getting preachy about it.
Randomize
