Phrase i just heard while watching the U.S. open: "Boy they have really trimmed it well, this has got to be the tightest hole in the Open."
It was like the Ritz Carlton of jails. I got introduced to our criminal system the right way.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.
Sober December ended when I found beer behind my bed...I lost $2000 but spent 6 hours sober. Meet me at the bar?
making my second box of kraft dinner for the day. thinking about telling him how much you cheat on him so that you end up having to spend valentines day with me. i'm sorry its every man for himself.
I remember desperately screaming that I love my life and running in zig zags all the way home
You tried to initiate "Occupy McDonald's" when the cashier didn't give you enough ketchup.
i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording
After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.
We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.
It'll just be like "PENIS HERE". In case you get lost.
Jesus Christ I am the crazy cat lady of vibrators
I'm fine. Heading home now...crying. Michael Bolton totally understands me!
His wife found the thong I “forgot” in his glovebox
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